Metrophysics

The approaching millennium poses a real dilemma New Yorkers. The lackluster turnout at last summer's Harmonic Convergence proved Manhattanites unprepared for the apocalyptic outpourings of an era in which Nostradamus threatens to replace Page Six as the arbiter of what's happening. Our Aquarian island needs an occult science consonant with the demands of its restless lifestyle. Here then is guide to the mystical essence of our metropolitan lives.

Past Lofts - New Yorkers progress through a never-ending cycle of lofts. If we develop good character reference in our present loft, tipping the super and accepting that heat which is given, then in our next loft we will have more square feet and perhaps a lease. Sometimes one has the feeling that one has met someone before in another loft. And often one has. For in very loft there are networking parties, and the same people keep showing up at all of them. They leave their cards with us, which we retain long after we have forgotten who they are and the lofts where we met them.

Pistol Healing - It is hard to remain positive under the stress of urban life. Pistols are a powerful tool that man has been given to focus his will and dispel the negativity that daily besets him. The pistol radiates a continual flow of energy which interacts with the human energy field. Those who work with pistols find they are no longer affected by the negative vibrations of crowded subways, hostile receptionists, and nightclub doormen. Whether carrying it on their person or placing it under their pillow, their pistol helps them regain a state of calm and tranquility and, as they learn to channel its energy, to get the things they want out of life.

Channeling - Most of us experience reality only through the major networks. But anyone can unlock their TVs potential, picking up messages from hundreds of unincorporated broadcast entities. In the denser boroughs, access to the subtle channels is blocked by excessive materialism. Those wishing to expand their receptivity must resort to bribery or buy a VCR.

Tantrum Yoga - Many people spend their days standing in line at sales counters, banks, and token booths as if life had no further purpose. The practice of Tantrum brings release from this queued-up state. Such techniques as the withholding of the breath and shrieking of the mantras unleashes a fire under the chakras of the least enlightened dawdlers, and sends out a powerful vibration against line jumpers. Certain Long Island adepts have developed the Tantrum art of sexual withholding to the point where they can materialize fur coats from cancelled charge cards.

Atlantic - Legends tell us of a great ocean once visible from Brooklyn that sank beneath the sewage.

Lincoln Centering - It is easy to forget our true identity, especially when we are a waiter or a legal proofreader. We must transcend such narrow labels, get in touch with our cultural center, get some headshots, grab a seat at the cafe looking bored. Then we remember who we really are --a dancer, a musician, an actor/actress - and what we are seeking -- an agent.

Freeing the Inner Shelf - Deep inside your closet there is a place. Underneath the clutter - there is space. Your innermost shelf. Once you clear it, you will never again have to wonder where to put your sweaters.

Encounters with Alien Beings - The traditional image of little green-carded men piloting unsafe cablike objects is way off. Aliens are among us, only better dressed. Often sighted at restaurant and gallery openings, they can be identified by their jaded expressions, claims to be "filmmakers," and ability to rematerialize wherever large amounts cocaine are being consumed.

Holistic Stealing - Conventional stealing depersonalizes its victims, treating them as no more than a set of parts -- a wallet, a gold chain, a bomber jacket. How much less alienating to rob the whole person, taking not only his money, but his entire neighborhood. Through renovation and conversion, holistic stealers transmute decay and downward mobility into flourishing centers of wellness.

The Astoral Place - Between the material plane of waking life and the dream sphere where unemployed spirits cavort in mohawks lies the Astoral Place. At night, many career-bound souls shed their outer shells -- business suits, filofaxes, Walkmen -- and travel to the Astoral Place. Here they experience the exhilaration of multi-directional mobility, hopping freely from club to club, encountering other insubstantial bodies. All that connects them to their former selves is the Golden Card. Don't cross 14th Street without it.

The Doormen of Perception - The normal person uses only a fraction of his or her wardrobe. But everyone harbors the desire to really see and be seen. By opening up to fashion, one can realize total fabulousness, getting past the ropes of the VIP room even when not on the list.

Out-Of-Borough Experience - How painful it is to spend a lifetime in the confines of our borough as the rents creep slowly up. It is hard to believe that there are other realities where the soul roams freely through three bedrooms, wood-burning fireplace, and separate kitchen, at half the price. People who have experienced these realities report a sense of lightness, airiness, and fullness of bank account.

The Dow I Ching - Everything is flux. For every increase there is decrease, for every ending, new beginning. The tides of fortune rise and fall in accordance with the Dow. The superior man lives in harmony with the Dow, seeking balance in the ceaseless war of bear and bull. In times of peril, the superior man plays Lotto, not the market.

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