Someone Left a Cake Out in Iran

The biggest mystery of the Iran-Contra affair is why the press has suddenly become so outspoken against Ronnie. For six years the share-croppers of the fifth estate blithely swallowed everything cooked, up by their master in the big white house. No scenario was too absurd to merit unquestioning repetition. No photo op too corny for adoration. Contradictions disappeared in a blur of images consigned to yesterday's news; breaches of appearance labeled misperception. But ever since November, the journalistic profession has outdone itself in its zeal to set record straight

What is the cause of this sudden about-face? The sheer outrageousness of supplying arms to Iran? A resurgence of liberalism? Watergate nostalgia? A political seven-year itch?

There is a simpler explanation: The War on Drugs is finally taking effect! For the first time in two decades a significant portion of the electorate is without a trace of cannabis, cocaine or opiate in its bloodstream. Americans have regained their short-term memories. They can remember what the president said and when he said it. Small wonder, then, that the administration slashed anti-drug funding in its latest budget.

Because drugs first gained mass acceptance in the 60s, they are often associated with 60s politics. But consider the record. As drugs replaced protest as the vocation of youth, Republicans replaced Democrats in the White House. The 1970s, a decade notable for its political apathy, were also notable for the enormous quantities of chemicals consumed in middle schools, discos and shag-carpeted vans alike.

Many drug users report difficulty in distinguishing reality from illusion. In the 80s this fear was compounded by the advent of a president who seemed to share the difficulty.

Thus, the Reagan administration has fallen victim to its own prohibitionist hysteria. Far from constituting a national threat, the continued consumption of drugs is the only way to insure the kind of faith in our elected officials without which democracy must surely falter. As society sheds its trust in images, its leaders lose their image of trust. Those who do not wish to return to the self-questioning and doubt of our liberal past must work to get America stoned again.

The task will not be simple. Just saying No becomes as much a habit as the vices it refuses. A nation of naysayers will not be easily persuaded to resume the substance-positive attitudes of yesteryear. What we need is a new set of drugs, not identified with the amoral hedonism of the past, drugs that promote the values of a bold and patriotic America. Here are some suggestions:

National Heroin: Experience the gall within you.

Poindexedrine: Forget what you know and when you knew it.

TylenOllie: Low-intensity relief.

NSC: Sense of omnipotence. Access to
ineffable secrets.

Trickle Downers: Achieve bottom-line consciousness.

SDI: Delusions of invulnerability.

Lebanese Rehash: Get bombed 24 hours a day.

South African Gold: Go with the cash flow.

Muammar's Little Helpers: Induces a terrorist state.

Meesecaline: Heightened sexual awareness. No release.