Breakfast at Murdermer's

The advent of Homicide Chic has made it difficult for unindicted guests to get a table at many of Manhattan's more elegant eateries. Not every restaurant can boast a Claus, a Crispo, or a Carl Andre among its clientele, but as the pages of the Social Register and the New York Post converge, none is without its coterie of upscale miscreants.

Murdermer's, the watering hole for ladies and gentlemen of the first rank who stand accused in the first degree, has become a pre-trial institution for new offenders and recidivists alike. On Sunday morning the room fills with faces whose mug shots have just hit the tabloids - the window corner reserved for the defendant with the highest TV-rights sale of the week. Those parties favored by a Barbara Walters exclusive merely flash their charged cards and head for the Bloody Marys. The rest cover their faces with their coats while their lawyers plea-bargain for a good table. Allegations must be up to snuff for the accused to be bound over for brunch:

I'm sorry," the maitre d' informed the attorney ahead of me as I stood in
line last weekend, "but manslaughter only gets a table by the wall."

"My client is willing to implicate himself in a string of unsolved slayings in exchange for a seat near the window."

"That section is overcrowded. However, the kitchen will entertain a plea of
Murder Two -- if you plan to order a la carte."

My press card earned me a seat in the character assasination section close to the men's room. Around me sat the student drug dealers and white collar hopefuls who had not yet made the Exhibit A list of one of the better grand juries. An automaker whose entrapment video had done some heavy CNN rotation glowered in the corner. 'Today anyone can be framed-up for fifteen minutes,' I overheard him snarl.

Of course, the ultimate social currency at Murdermers is a capital offense. All eyes centered on the drop-dead glamour of the front room. At the best tables, I recognized several up-and-coming suspects, as well as the tried-and-true but still appealing regulars. Jean Harris tweeds predominated, though a trendy few had taken advantage of their notoriety to leather up. Waiters for the accused scurried among the diners, often having to resubmit an order to which a lawyer had objected. Crime makes for hearty appetites, and I noticed several brunchers not only clean their plates but wipe them free of fingerprints as well.

I had just ordered some eggs Sunny-side up when a commotion broke out up front. News had just arrived that a major celebrity sociopath had won his appeal. The unfortunate fellow was summarily evicted. The best may lack all conviction, but at Murdermer's the greatest faux pas is acquittal.