Barnum & Beirut II

Mass Mediation

For those still confused by the bloody tangle of Lebanese politics, here is an up-to-date synopsis.

ABC camera crews have taken the airport. No one goes near the plane of interview the hostages on-board without their permission.

CBS has deployed minicams throughout West Beirut in a house-to-house search for militants not yet signed by the other networks.

NBC controls the bar of the Beirut Hilton, John Chancellor's monologues having driven out the competition.

Meanwhile the CNN camp is overcrowded with refugees from the Big Three. Commanded by shadowy strongman Ted Turner, its guerrillas roam the streets with Portapaks and phony securities, itching for a hostile takeover.

The feuding erupted into open warfare during the Iranian Hostage Crisis. In a bold series of Quantel moves, ABC's prime time forces under Ted Koppel succeeded in advancing their night line. Armed with sophisticated video graphics and satellite technology, they seized control of the ratings, deposing NBC from the peacock throne.

Flanking actions by the other network's late night new teams failed to dislodge ABC. In the meantime, militant young anchormen, abandoning their blow dryers for Koppel tactics and coiffure, have grown restless to test themselves in the heat of hostage crisis.

So long as the ratings war flares, there will be enough solid entertainment to last through the summer reruns. The only fear is some act of retaliation by Aaron Spelling. The news cannot challenge the supremacy of the miniseries and expect to go unpunished.

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Barnum & Beirut I

Jihad is my Copilot

As the latest hijacking demonstrates, aspiring terrorists ought to spend less time at commando camp and more time at flight attendant school. The service provided TWA passengers was nothing short of atrocious!

Imagine flying back and forth between Athens, Algiers and Beirut with only one in-flight film! Passengers are used to complying with the request to fasten seatbelts, but when buckling up involves ropes and blindfolds, the gag's gone a bit too far. Of course the decidedly macho stance of the Arab world precludes the solicitous male stewards to which we Westerners have grown accustomed. Still it seems needlessly discourteous to greet a passenger's inability to decide between Salisbury steak and creamed chicken with a rifle butt to the solar plexus.

Customer service improved at Beirut Intn'l., where though denied access to the duty-free shop, hostages were offered free accommodations and beach trips. Perhaps Amal leader and former Michigan gas stationist Nabih Berri had remembered his "service with a smile" credo.

It suggests a possible solution to the Lebanese bloodbath. Why not give each of the bickering factions its own airline, thus transforming the holy war into a price war? Travelers could decide for themselves whether to fly the hostile skies of Pan Amal, Airafat, People's Militia Express, or just hop a Druse jet. Once aloft, nattily attired terror-tendants would brandish grenades and AK-47s while the captain explained the safety features. In the unlikely even that it became necessary to shoot some hostages, blindfolds would automatically appear above their seats.

Though passengers could never be sure of their ultimate destination, advance booking would allow them to plan for unexpected detours and lengthy negotiations. Planes could be cleared for takeover at regular intervals, avoiding the situation where hijacked jets must circle Beirut for hours while rival terrorists hog the runways.

Of course, the big problem would still be transportation to and from the airport -- make sure your cab's not on suicide run.

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