Armies of the Blight

Amid the confusing welter of organizations and armies marching in next Monday's parade, lesser known groups tend to fall between the cracks. This is unfortunate. The Gulf War stirred patriotism in many unlikely sectors, whose representatives deserve no less recognition than their better-known peers. In the interest of fairness I have compiled brief statements from the leadership of several groups omitted from the official roster of participants:

Association of Vietnam War Movie Veterans - We were there for the big ones -- Apocalypse Now, Platoon. The enemy came at us in quadraphonic, dolbies blazing. Some of us still wake up screaming the soundtracks. We're glad we've finally got the Vietnam War Movie Syndrome out of our system. Desert Storm gave us a great new set of special effects and enough hightech ordinance to keep the Cineplexes air-conditioned till the year 2000. Gulf War movies may not be as bloody, but we can take the whole family and leave the theater smiling. You bet we'll be at the parade -- if we can pry our members loose from their smart bomb videos.

National Organization of Ambivalents - We were and were not for and against the war, but we are totally behind the parade. Many of us were sorry to see the Cold War go. America was at war and peace simultaneously. But the Gulf War taught us that you can fight and not fight a hot war just easily. Kill and not confront death, kick butt and still watch Oprah, win without defeating the enemy. Desert Storm gave new meaning to ambivalence. We consider it our duty to march, though we're not quite sure in which direction.

Lord Jim (Crow) Society - We are a group of middle-aged white men who avoided service in Vietnam through grad school, ROTC, and national guard commissions. Though we have risen to positions of power and prominence, we have always wondered whether we would have the courage to do the right thing if tested again. We need question no longer, for when the clarion sounded we were able to send our troops off without cowardice or hesitation. It is an honor to march with the dark young men and women who risked their lives for our conscience, as long as they don't get too close.

Committee in Solidarity with People of Royal Families - Queen Elizabeth's visit demonstrated America's deep-seated longing for monarchy. But what is bowing before a king or queen compared to dying for one. Our victorious troops have the honor of being the first American soldiers to shed blood for a hereditary monarchy since our forefathers brought forth freedom upon this continent. The Gulf experience has done more to kick the 1776 Syndrome than a thousand Nancy Reagans, Leona Helmsleys and Madonnas put together.

Committee to Abolish Sixties Nostalgia - America's been romanticizing the sixties since the day they were over. For years kids have been running around with pony-tails and peace signs, scalping Grateful Dead tickets. The Gulf War showed how truly terrifying it is to be a long-haired peacenik when the majority of Americans would just as soon string you up by a yellow ribbon. Now that they've had a taste of the real thing, we can start reviving the 70s. You'll recognize our contingent in the parade -- we'll be wearing leisure suits.

The American Lesion - Most thinking Americans agree that their brain is an outmoded organ. It doesn't have remote control or as many channels as cable. As lesionnaires, we welcome the wound the Gulf War opened in our craniums as the portal through which mind and video will merge. The War helped us achieve oneness with our TV sets. Regardless of our physical location, we will all be at the parade. Many bodies, one consciousness linked by satellite and the voice of Bernie Shaw.

Act-out - We are a collective of passive-aggressive former yuppies who will never know a six-figure income or a Corner office. The recession has robbed us of our birthright and our future. The Gulf War gave us a focus for our hostility and helped restore our self-esteem. We may never boss around our countrymen, but our countrymen can boss around the world. Marching at the side of conquerors is a far more fulfilling way to pound the pavement than what we've been doing for the last then months.

People for the Orwellian Way - 1984 came and went and all we had to show for it was a teflon ninny in White House and some junior league photo opps. But in one short year we've seen the advent of global television brainwashing, a war to rival Oceania's assault on Eurasia, and a president worthy of the name Big Brother. We will join the masses in celebration of the Brave New World Order, and no matter how lost we feel in the crowd, we know someone will be watching.

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