The details of Mayor Koch's meeting with Daniel Ortega have yet to be revealed, but the conciliatory tone of the two leaders leaves much room for conjecture. New York and Nicaragua share many problems best addressed in a spirit of partnership.
Nicaragua, for example, must struggle with poverty, and so must many New Yorkers. The Sandanistas might profit from some of Gotham's know-how in dealing with the problem. Instead of going to the trouble of restructuring the economy, just raise the rents, replacing slum dwellings with trendy restaurants and boutiques. Poverty may not disappear, but at least it will disappear from sight.
Moreover, years of American pressure have left Nicaragua's economy in shambles. Coffee pickers and cane cutters are desperately needed. In New York the recent stock market crash has put many able-bodied portfolio managers out of work. Why not send them off to Nicaragua, where they can help with the harvest while earning extra cash to pay off Visa charges. Tropical agriculture is a great way to stay in shape, and many of these unfortunates have had to let their health club memberships lapse.
New York, for its part, could use help on more than a few fronts. Postal service, to name but one. If MTA monies were diverted to the Sandanistas, the long awaited trans-Nicaragua canal could finally be built, providing a faster route for crosstown mail delivery
Of course, New York is not confronted by armed insurgents on its borders. But it does have bridge-and-tunnel people. A simple trade would handle things quite nicely. The contras could direct their firepower to Queens' crack wars, where their cocaine stockpiles and body count prowess would fit right in, while New Jersey's finest could invade Nicaragua every weekend, swilling beer and honking horns loudly.
This may seem a pipe dream. The corpse-littered villages the freedom fighters have left in their wake may have made the Nicaraguans too bitter to forgive and forget. But not if they had a New York medical examiner to inspect the bodies and certify them dead of natural causes. Then we could all let bygones be bygones.
In the last analysis, the greatest difficulty besetting both our homelands is the threat of "Yankee Imperialism." Nicaraguans don't want the Yankees storming their shores, and New Yorkers don't want them leaving ours. If only madmen like George Steinbrenner can be dissuaded from their greedy schemes, the hour of peace may well be at hand.
Sunday, November 15, 1987
An Apple A Day Keeps the Contras at Bay
Tuesday, October 13, 1987
Metrophysics
The approaching millennium poses a real dilemma New Yorkers. The lackluster turnout at last summer's Harmonic Convergence proved Manhattanites unprepared for the apocalyptic outpourings of an era in which Nostradamus threatens to replace Page Six as the arbiter of what's happening. Our Aquarian island needs an occult science consonant with the demands of its restless lifestyle. Here then is guide to the mystical essence of our metropolitan lives.
Past Lofts - New Yorkers progress through a never-ending cycle of lofts. If we develop good character reference in our present loft, tipping the super and accepting that heat which is given, then in our next loft we will have more square feet and perhaps a lease. Sometimes one has the feeling that one has met someone before in another loft. And often one has. For in very loft there are networking parties, and the same people keep showing up at all of them. They leave their cards with us, which we retain long after we have forgotten who they are and the lofts where we met them.
Pistol Healing - It is hard to remain positive under the stress of urban life. Pistols are a powerful tool that man has been given to focus his will and dispel the negativity that daily besets him. The pistol radiates a continual flow of energy which interacts with the human energy field. Those who work with pistols find they are no longer affected by the negative vibrations of crowded subways, hostile receptionists, and nightclub doormen. Whether carrying it on their person or placing it under their pillow, their pistol helps them regain a state of calm and tranquility and, as they learn to channel its energy, to get the things they want out of life.
Channeling - Most of us experience reality only through the major networks. But anyone can unlock their TVs potential, picking up messages from hundreds of unincorporated broadcast entities. In the denser boroughs, access to the subtle channels is blocked by excessive materialism. Those wishing to expand their receptivity must resort to bribery or buy a VCR.
Tantrum Yoga - Many people spend their days standing in line at sales counters, banks, and token booths as if life had no further purpose. The practice of Tantrum brings release from this queued-up state. Such techniques as the withholding of the breath and shrieking of the mantras unleashes a fire under the chakras of the least enlightened dawdlers, and sends out a powerful vibration against line jumpers. Certain Long Island adepts have developed the Tantrum art of sexual withholding to the point where they can materialize fur coats from cancelled charge cards.
Atlantic - Legends tell us of a great ocean once visible from Brooklyn that sank beneath the sewage.
Lincoln Centering - It is easy to forget our true identity, especially when we are a waiter or a legal proofreader. We must transcend such narrow labels, get in touch with our cultural center, get some headshots, grab a seat at the cafe looking bored. Then we remember who we really are --a dancer, a musician, an actor/actress - and what we are seeking -- an agent.
Freeing the Inner Shelf - Deep inside your closet there is a place. Underneath the clutter - there is space. Your innermost shelf. Once you clear it, you will never again have to wonder where to put your sweaters.
Encounters with Alien Beings - The traditional image of little green-carded men piloting unsafe cablike objects is way off. Aliens are among us, only better dressed. Often sighted at restaurant and gallery openings, they can be identified by their jaded expressions, claims to be "filmmakers," and ability to rematerialize wherever large amounts cocaine are being consumed.
Holistic Stealing - Conventional stealing depersonalizes its victims, treating them as no more than a set of parts -- a wallet, a gold chain, a bomber jacket. How much less alienating to rob the whole person, taking not only his money, but his entire neighborhood. Through renovation and conversion, holistic stealers transmute decay and downward mobility into flourishing centers of wellness.
The Astoral Place - Between the material plane of waking life and the dream sphere where unemployed spirits cavort in mohawks lies the Astoral Place. At night, many career-bound souls shed their outer shells -- business suits, filofaxes, Walkmen -- and travel to the Astoral Place. Here they experience the exhilaration of multi-directional mobility, hopping freely from club to club, encountering other insubstantial bodies. All that connects them to their former selves is the Golden Card. Don't cross 14th Street without it.
The Doormen of Perception - The normal person uses only a fraction of his or her wardrobe. But everyone harbors the desire to really see and be seen. By opening up to fashion, one can realize total fabulousness, getting past the ropes of the VIP room even when not on the list.
Out-Of-Borough Experience - How painful it is to spend a lifetime in the confines of our borough as the rents creep slowly up. It is hard to believe that there are other realities where the soul roams freely through three bedrooms, wood-burning fireplace, and separate kitchen, at half the price. People who have experienced these realities report a sense of lightness, airiness, and fullness of bank account.
The Dow I Ching - Everything is flux. For every increase there is decrease, for every ending, new beginning. The tides of fortune rise and fall in accordance with the Dow. The superior man lives in harmony with the Dow, seeking balance in the ceaseless war of bear and bull. In times of peril, the superior man plays Lotto, not the market.
Saturday, February 21, 1987
Saturday, January 17, 1987
Someone Left a Cake Out in Iran
The biggest mystery of the Iran-Contra affair is why the press has suddenly become so outspoken against Ronnie. For six years the share-croppers of the fifth estate blithely swallowed everything cooked, up by their master in the big white house. No scenario was too absurd to merit unquestioning repetition. No photo op too corny for adoration. Contradictions disappeared in a blur of images consigned to yesterday's news; breaches of appearance labeled misperception. But ever since November, the journalistic profession has outdone itself in its zeal to set record straight
What is the cause of this sudden about-face? The sheer outrageousness of supplying arms to Iran? A resurgence of liberalism? Watergate nostalgia? A political seven-year itch?
There is a simpler explanation: The War on Drugs is finally taking effect! For the first time in two decades a significant portion of the electorate is without a trace of cannabis, cocaine or opiate in its bloodstream. Americans have regained their short-term memories. They can remember what the president said and when he said it. Small wonder, then, that the administration slashed anti-drug funding in its latest budget.
Because drugs first gained mass acceptance in the 60s, they are often associated with 60s politics. But consider the record. As drugs replaced protest as the vocation of youth, Republicans replaced Democrats in the White House. The 1970s, a decade notable for its political apathy, were also notable for the enormous quantities of chemicals consumed in middle schools, discos and shag-carpeted vans alike.
Many drug users report difficulty in distinguishing reality from illusion. In the 80s this fear was compounded by the advent of a president who seemed to share the difficulty.
Thus, the Reagan administration has fallen victim to its own prohibitionist hysteria. Far from constituting a national threat, the continued consumption of drugs is the only way to insure the kind of faith in our elected officials without which democracy must surely falter. As society sheds its trust in images, its leaders lose their image of trust. Those who do not wish to return to the self-questioning and doubt of our liberal past must work to get America stoned again.
The task will not be simple. Just saying No becomes as much a habit as the vices it refuses. A nation of naysayers will not be easily persuaded to resume the substance-positive attitudes of yesteryear. What we need is a new set of drugs, not identified with the amoral hedonism of the past, drugs that promote the values of a bold and patriotic America. Here are some suggestions:National Heroin: Experience the gall within you.
Poindexedrine: Forget what you know and when you knew it.
TylenOllie: Low-intensity relief.
NSC: Sense of omnipotence. Access to
ineffable secrets.
Trickle Downers: Achieve bottom-line consciousness.
SDI: Delusions of invulnerability.
Lebanese Rehash: Get bombed 24 hours a day.
South African Gold: Go with the cash flow.
Muammar's Little Helpers: Induces a terrorist state.
Meesecaline: Heightened sexual awareness. No release.