It's about time that fashion victims came out of their cramped closets. Unlike substance abusers, sex addicts, and women who love too much, the plight of the style-dependent has not yet been recognized as a Disease. Without the benefit of made-for-TV prophylaxis and celebrity support groups, the untreated trendy must turn the other chic and suffer in silence. In hopes of correcting this deplorable situation, I offer the results of my clinical research in the wards of Manhattan.
Tie-Dye Shock Syndrome - Neoplastic mutation resulting from Sixties Cell Anemia. Endemic to late stage adolescents with a history of affluenza and MTVenous feeding. Inflammation of joints and loss of textile sensation through acid-washing. Progression to peace signusitis, sequestering in Grayful Dead Matter. Emergency head bandectomy required to prevent outbreak of Cerebral Paisley.
Euronary Trash Infection -A Parisitic infestation potentiated by overproduction of Bergdorfins. May present as Comatose Des Garcons depending on body type and credit cardiac history. Thickening of shoulder pads and other Epauleptic disorders during latency. Ponytails and Cartier-vascular arrythmia in secondary stage. Eruption of Bennetomas culminating in full exposure of designer labels in tertiary. Early detection through Armaniocentesis.
Open Bar Virus - Opportunistic eating disorder induced by underlying Boholemia. Leads to hardening of the art galleries and Tompkins Square Parkinson's Disease. Characterized by chronic fatigues syndrome, distressed denimentia, prefrontal Tenex formations, and streptococktail inversion. Sufferers complain of nonspecific existential pain and performance space anxiety.
Permatitis - Swelling of moussecous membrane resulting in big hair. Transmitted through secretarial staff infection of PATHogenic Train origin. Can be contracted from subway seats under rush-hour conditions. May subside with onset of wedding ringworm, Degenerative strain produces Down Town syndrome, an excess of Tama Globulin resulting in brain death. Presents in males as Bon Ginjovitis, an early warning sign of metalbolic dysfunction.
Hip-Hopatitis - Type B-Boy infection originating with Bronxitis and culminating in hysterical defness. Freshtrogen imbalance eventuates in full-body sweats, gold sores, and baseball capillary inversion. Coronary verbosis. May lead to FADES. Epidemic among inner city youth due to Run-DNA; spreading to politically occluded Caucasians in need of Public Enema. Don't believe the hypochondria.
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Tie-Dye Shock Syndrome - Neoplastic mutation resulting from Sixties Cell Anemia. Endemic to late stage adolescents with a history of affluenza and MTVenous feeding. Inflammation of joints and loss of textile sensation through acid-washing. Progression to peace signusitis, sequestering in Grayful Dead Matter. Emergency head bandectomy required to prevent outbreak of Cerebral Paisley.
Euronary Trash Infection -A Parisitic infestation potentiated by overproduction of Bergdorfins. May present as Comatose Des Garcons depending on body type and credit cardiac history. Thickening of shoulder pads and other Epauleptic disorders during latency. Ponytails and Cartier-vascular arrythmia in secondary stage. Eruption of Bennetomas culminating in full exposure of designer labels in tertiary. Early detection through Armaniocentesis.
Open Bar Virus - Opportunistic eating disorder induced by underlying Boholemia. Leads to hardening of the art galleries and Tompkins Square Parkinson's Disease. Characterized by chronic fatigues syndrome, distressed denimentia, prefrontal Tenex formations, and streptococktail inversion. Sufferers complain of nonspecific existential pain and performance space anxiety.
Permatitis - Swelling of moussecous membrane resulting in big hair. Transmitted through secretarial staff infection of PATHogenic Train origin. Can be contracted from subway seats under rush-hour conditions. May subside with onset of wedding ringworm, Degenerative strain produces Down Town syndrome, an excess of Tama Globulin resulting in brain death. Presents in males as Bon Ginjovitis, an early warning sign of metalbolic dysfunction.
Hip-Hopatitis - Type B-Boy infection originating with Bronxitis and culminating in hysterical defness. Freshtrogen imbalance eventuates in full-body sweats, gold sores, and baseball capillary inversion. Coronary verbosis. May lead to FADES. Epidemic among inner city youth due to Run-DNA; spreading to politically occluded Caucasians in need of Public Enema. Don't believe the hypochondria.
